Time to give my perfectionist self a break...Will Santa Cruz Half and I ever make peace?

I am a perfectionist by nature. I take after my father. I love organization and get a high from reorganizing and putting things in their proper place. I do not attempt something unless I plan on giving it my all. I do not do things half way. I'm either in it for the long haul or not at all. I am someone you would want to share a foxhole with....I tend to rock the boat though too but that goes hand in hand with the art of perfectionism... but I digress.... perfectionism....

And so it is with running. I take it too seriously sometimes and do not allow my body to simply be nourished by the benefits of running. I often forget that along with the physical aspects of what it does for me it also helps me mentally and spiritually and it is the latter two that often get forgotten amidst the goals I set for myself. Sometimes I am able to remind myself of these benefits and I cut myself some slack but all too often it is another runner or a friend that will help me see that there are times when setting a new PR should not always be the goal.

This brings me to The Santa Cruz Half-Marathon which I will run on Sunday. This race and I seem to be at odds with each other and it doesn't seem right especially given the fact that SC is my favorite beach town. It's where I hang out in the summer and where I have so many fond memories. Even so, I just can't seem to get it right at this race.

I first ran in back in '07 and had reserved a room for Saturday night so I could be there early on Sunday morning. I hate the stress of driving to a race on race day, especially if it's over an hour drive. So, the girls and I headed out Saturday morning, got to Santa Cruz, checked in and then we hung out at the boardwalk for a while, I picked up my bib and then we hung out with friends. I was feeling a little tired but nothing out of the ordinary and for the most part felt pretty good about this race. I had trained well and felt ready to tackle it with every perfectionist bone in my body. I couldn't shake the slight achiness I felt though...

Ah! But the body you see is so infinitely intricate isn't it? Mine had decided to turn itself against me back in 2004 when my invisible enemy, Rheumatoid Arthritis, took up residence in my body. In 2007, despite taking the fact that I had my monthly doctor appointments and I took all my meds like a good little girl, I pretty much didn't talk about RA with anyone except family and even then I brushed it off as nothing. This auto-immune disease was something that I would get over with time, much like the flu or some other annoying virus. At the time of this race I had not yet become an expert at listening to my body and recognizing the effects of what this disease was doing to me. I had begun running back in '06 partly to run from my demons but also because I secretly knew that one of the things that was going to keep me healthy and stave off this disease was to exercise every day. And so it was that I had one of my first "flare ups" that night in the hotel room. Had I paid more attention to my body and knew then what I know now, I would have known what was coming. And so it was that I stayed up for most of the night soaking my gnarling hands in the hot water in the bathroom sink of the hotel. I would lay down for what seamed to only be a few minutes and I would be up again soaking my hands. Around 3 am I found some "Tiger Balm" in my bag and I spread it all over my hands paying particular attention to my joints and then put socks on my hands. By morning I was exhausted from being up all night and I still could not properly use my fingers. This flare up had only attacked my hands this time though and not my entire body so I decided to run anyway. I managed to get my running gear on and then spread more tiger balm on my hands and put my running gloves on. I kept them on the entire race and managed to keep my hands in the same position for the entire 13.1 miles so I wouldn't feel as much pain...drinking water from my water bottle was painful and I had to always use both hands but managed it somehow...how I set a PR that day is still unknown to me... Back at the hotel after the race I just laid in a hot tub and let my joints soak in the warmth as tears spilled down my cheeks...I don't think I would do that again, but then again...maybe I would...I am as stubborn now as I was then and I refuse to let this disease get me down...it is certainly NOT recommended to do what I did but we each have our own demons to fight and that day I had to fight mine...

In 2008 I signed up for the race again determined to set a new PR and at the same time regain some of my dignity. I signed up early to guarantee my spot. And then in February I find out I had to have surgery (another story for another time). I did what I had to do, followed the doc's orders and fully intended to be at that starting line in April...my body on the other hand had other ideas and by race day I was still in the process of recuperating. I was irked to say the least both by the fact that I lost my entry fee but also because I would have to wait another year....

And so we arrive at present day. I have my bib in hand and am ready to do this despite the fact that the past year has been wrought with hospital visits and my body has been pricked and prodded more times than I care to count and my training has been irregular except for the past three months... race day is a day and a half away and I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself about my performance...

Yesterday however as I stood in line at The Sports Basement to pick up my bib, I looked around at the other runners and was drawn to how different we all looked from one another. We each were there with a different purpose and a different goal in mind. Some looked like what one would think a runner should look like and others looked the furthest thing from a runner. That is what draws me to this group of unique people...there really is no such thing as a "typical runner." If you lace up your shoes and you log your miles every day or every week you are a runner. Regardless of body shape or composition. Regardless of race goal...

I realized yesterday that I am part of a very unique group of people. One half of one percent (thank you Tim for the stats) of the population do what I do. Most of my neighbors don't do what I do. So it's true that this past year has been wrought with valleys and I have not seen many mountaintops but what is important is that I have not given up (I've thought about it a few times) and even on the days when I was in excruciating pain and wondered if there would come a day when I wouldn't be able to run anymore, today I WILL run. Today I WILL lace up my shoes and be grateful that I can. Today I WILL allow my body to enjoy what running does for me. Today I WILL enjoy myself and on Sunday I WILL join my fellow runners and we will each run our own race...

Rock on fellow runners.. I'll see you at the start line...